2,555 Bonus Days

A near death experience tale, Part 1: The Pause

Trigger warning: Near Death Experience details which may be upsetting to some

Today is my Life-a-versary, 7 years or 2,555 days post near death experience (NDE) by choking on a large sea scallop.

I celebrated day 2,555 by listening to a gushing waterfall, texting with a stranger who had received my business card earlier in the day (and whom with each text revealed more bizarre details I didn’t ask for), winning $3 net on a lottery ticket, eating a Snickers Blizzard, getting underwear (really, it just happened to be delivered today), putting up flyers around town, picking up new glasses and getting my real hair and wig hair cut by my talented sister which was unplanned, but soon I was sitting in her chair on her day off.

New look after cut, and funky glasses!

Besides these gifts, the most amazing- seeing 10 deer while out on my delivery route! Yes, 10! Lucky #6 was bedded down under a tree just a few feet away from a customer’s porch. I moved slowly and tread lightly so as not to disturb. It was calm. I took my time to pause and look at it, then proceed a bit more. It was after I turned to go back to my car that I took my phone out to take a picture. I was able to capture a play-by-play as they started to wobble up, supported by hooves and move along. But not before they paused and looked right at me. The pause.

I think to myself, that at some point I will have to Google, “what does a deer lying down mean?” According to Wisdom of the Spirit, a calm deer may symbolize harmony, inner peace, and a need to embrace gentleness in your waking life. The pause.

They paused to look at me.

My friend Cheryl made me feel so loved. She remembered the date. She said, “I put it my calendar because I wanted to remember. I don’t always look at my calendar, but I’m glad I did today because my intention was absolutely to make you feel loved, because you are!” My sister who always remembers, did not. My spouse did not, as well. Yes, I did throw them under the bus. None of my other friends remembered including the friends that were present when the incident happened! I did get a really sweet text from a friend today about how I helped her out on Sunday get out of her funk and how meaningful that was to her. It’s not a requirement for my friends to remember this date. To be mad about it would be to discredit the day to day love received. Holidays are sentimental, but not definitive. If you shower your partner on Valentine’s Day but only then, does ONE day of celebration mean that you are the most loving partner? No, it’s the every day instances that count the most. Am I disappointed? Yes. Pause to feel. It hurts, but I’ll be fine. I am loved. I hold value, and I am pausing to recognize that. I’m alive. I am here.

To be fair to all of them, I live my life sometimes forgetting about it. I’ve tucked it neatly away in some far memory. I used to post about it on social every year and say how I celebrated my Life-a-versary. I tried to at least do that minimum. I was recently reminded of the need to talk about it through another Substack writer, Mike Corazza, who writes about his own NDE. Check it out as it helps you advocate for your health! Even though his NDE and mine were different, there were some striking similarities. I’m pausing, but I’ll come back.

The details of my near death experience are as follows:

While working as an Adult Protective Services (APS) Investigator and greatly burned out I might add, I had my own near-death experience in May of 2018, choking on a sea scallop during a several course dinner my chef-friend had made in Walla Walla at a rental house with friends. We were all seated at an outside table, and I walked away, which is often what someone who is choking will do, to withdraw themselves from “making a scene.” Fortunately, my husband Ken recognized something different about the expression on my face and was about 45-60 seconds behind me. When he caught up to me, I was in the kitchen attempting the Heimlich of which he took over and then I collapsed sending us both to the floor. He called our friends for help. The person who was there for the weekend that I knew the least and had travelled from Chicago as a friend of my friend, was a Physical Therapist, and most up-to-date on her CPR. She immediately started hands only CPR and helped take over the situation. The ambulance was re-routed from another previous caller to me and arrived within 4 minutes. They also had difficulty in clearing my airway and came close to doing a tracheostomy. All in all, it was maybe 8 or 9 minutes my airway was blocked. I was put into an induced coma for them to clear out my lungs fully, and two days later I walked out of the ICU with an over-the-counter acid reflux medication and an antibiotic to prevent pneumonia. I had no broken ribs, and no bruises. I also completely blacked out the situation which left me feeling like I didn’t experience what had happened. I had simply lost two days of my life and history. I relied on my friends and husband to fill in the gaps.

In the ICU in Walla Walla

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My husband bought me front section Pink! tickets as “thank you for not dying” and I enjoyed the show less than a week after my NDE. I guess I’ll keep him.

Getting back to my NDE buddy, Mike, and the similarities of our NDE’s. It was as if he had opened up the file of my NDE and shared some of my details. I felt seen. I had never read anyone else’s words that struck such a familiar chord! We were both 41 y.o., both had chest compression CPR for far too long, both had a drug pushed into our shin bone for pain, both had depression and anxiety following the event, both were coma induced, both had NO MEMORY of the event, and both had difficulties in adjusting to being away from medical care. Mine was in the form of going on my first off grid hike where I had a panic attack, realizing medics were not 4 minutes away and not able to save me. I would just die, here in the forest. When I say it like that, I should have had zero panic as that sounds like a dreamy way to go, but those are the tricks my mind plays on me.

I commented on Mike’s Story,

“Your platform being primarily about the event, makes me pause to consider that I should be doing more education of my event as well. For a time, I was really promoting CPR and telling anyone and everyone that would listen that often people don't make the choking symbol, walk away (especially in restaurants), and may not even make any noise, and then be found dead when they don't come back to the table.So thanks for inpiring me to use my voice more about my own NDE. It's strange to me that an NDE can be so life-altering and yet there are days I completely forget about it nearly 7 years later and get so stuck in the doom and gloom of life. Having my education platform helps me combat that, and also being in service to others. My business is called Life's Fleeting Nature because I want to be reminded of the preciousness of life every day, and yet, again, how can I forget? Maybe instead of forgetting, it's more of a neglecting. I do hope we can stay in touch, and thanks again! I am glad you are here and that your story can help save others.”

I’ve had depression most of my adult life. I can even look back on my childhood and see it there. Feeling out of place, feelings of neglect, feeling the need of conformity and living up to a standard, all while everyone watched my family closely (my dad was a Pastor from the time I was 5 y.o.). I’m not sure how I can simultaneously feel like I was on a pedastal and also not important, falling away into the background of everything going on. My younger sister has a disability and my mom admitted to having a lot of guilt from giving her the lion’s share of attention.

You’d think that having a near death experience would cure my depression. I had a new lease on life! I could have easily died, but didn’t! Hurrah! I did feel much of that in the beginning, but over time the specialness faded. I even questioned it being an NDE because, “had I experienced anything when I couldn’t remember anything?” I had no vision of bright lights or going somewhere else, perhaps to another dimension or world. I have since come to terms with it, but that was a struggle. I did have a shake up of my values and the awareness to leave the stressful work at APS.

As I get to this point of writing this Substack, it’s after 7pm and I haven’t eaten dinner. My stomach growls, right on cue. I took a break to eat some homemade mac ‘n cheese which I rarely make, but it the two servings was were comforting and washed down nicely with some Kirkland New Zealand Sauv Blanc! As I was chewing my food, I laughed at myself over the irony that the takeaway from this post is that I need to be in the moment, to stop and savor. The pause.

While I return to my keyboard, determined to get the story out TODAY because it’s THE DAY, 5/5 so it MUST be finished today all while my shoulders tense, and I wrestle over words. That is not lost on me, but I have more to say so I’m going to continue this in a Part 2. Stay tuned, and take a moment to pause. Exhale. None of the current frustrations or self-imposed timelines really matter. My plans for tomorrow:

I do know that if my mom were still alive, she would have remembered this date. And that stings. Tears. Pause. Maybe she did through the eyes of a deer that took a moment to pause to look at me.

Love,

Beck

Update: Ken DID remember, after I posted this, but he is not on Substack so he had not read it.