To Be Both

A real-life example of holding space for grief and joy

To be both.

This happens to be the title of one of my favorite meditations on Insight Timer you can listen to without an account: To Be Both meditation.

I remember the first time I heard it, how it startled something open in me. It spoke of the strange, generous capacity we have to hold more than one truth at once: to carry grief and joy in the same hands without betraying either. For much of my life I believed that if I was deeply sad, I must remain only sad out of loyalty to the thing I mourned.

Recently, life reminded me otherwise.

One evening I stood in my kitchen baking cupcakes for a woman about to celebrate her 94th birthday. Flour in the air, sugar on the counter, the quiet promise of a party the next day. At that very same time, another woman 95 years old was taking her final breath.

The next day I was meant to see them both, each in my role as a caregiver. One to celebrate a birthday. The other to begin hospice. But she died the night before hospice could even begin. In truth, many of us believe it was by sheer will. She had told a mutual friend and death doula that she was ready. Four days later, she was gone. Later we learned she had also fallen, as if the body had simply agreed with the soul that it was time.

Both of these women have shaped my life, though in very different seasons of their own.

There is a quiet symmetry between them. One now lives with dementia. The other spent decades tirelessly building dementia support services in our region. She fought for dignity at the end of life and for the right of people to die in comfort through VSED (voluntarily stopping eating and drinking). Even at 95 she was still serving: alongside me and others on the VSED Resources NW board, active in our shared circles, and volunteering with Dementia Services NW up until the week before she died.

And now the 94-year-old woman with dementia is receiving services that the 95-year-old woman helped create.

Isn’t that its own kind of poetry?

Two weeks later I am still holding it all. Part of me wonders why the one whose mind is fading remains earth side, while the one whose mind shone so brightly has stepped into the great mystery. My understanding is small. So I let both truths live together. I grieve the loss of a life, and the loss of a brilliant mind.

And I celebrate life’s exuberance too- the kind that shows up even when someone can’t remember whether she’s eaten, and the kind that carries purpose all the way to the final days.

Perhaps this is what it means to be both.

I want to be like both of them in the peak of their years, and only like one of them in their advance years and I’ll let you decide which is which.

It does make me appreciate the work I do, preparing people for the end in the most gentle way possible. It’s so very important to have conversations with your family about quality of life and your wishes, and of course to put it into writing so it’s clear to your friends and family. I would be honored to help anyone who needs to put together a Power of Attorney for Healthcare document. It takes less time than you think (1-2 hours is all!) You can either purchase my “Done in 1,” or I can direct you to free forms online and the process for putting things in place. Done in 1 is more tailored and has personal elements, and includes 30 mins of end of life education and what the terms mean on the document you are signing! It’s $99 for one person or $149 for two people at the same time. For more information: Done in 1 Advance Directive

To learn more about the youthful 95 year old, Josselyn, and her incredible legacy: Obituary of Josselyn Winslow

An incredible interview from the Art of Aging: Interview with Josselyn Winslow

A write up on the VSED Resources Blog: “She was clear about her wishes”

Let me know if this resonates with you by commenting below.

In kindness,

Beck