Anger at Artist Point

The correlation between anger and embarrassment, and Part 2 of "Messy May"

It’s been a while, Substack readers, friends.

I snowshoed at Artist Point near Mt. Baker today and I was angry for most of the time.

It was a bluebird snow day. Conditions were perfect and we arrived slightly ahead of the rush of people who typically come around 9am coinciding with the ski lifts opening.

My spouse (Ken) and I have gone to Artist Point on either New Year’s Eve Day or New Year’s Day for several of the past 11 years we have been together, and we’ve been pretty darn lucky to have really amazing sunny weather every time although some were pretty cold with temps in the teens! In the beginning we went with 15 + or - of our hiking friends, but that has dwindled over time and today it was just us. We now can zip up there in just under an hour making it even easier to go for a half day or so and not have the 6-hour round trip from living farther away in the past.

For those not local, Artist Point is “the top competitor for best viewpoint in the state. The beautifully shaped Mount Shuksan is the star of the area, with a gorgeous summit pyramid and several impressive glaciers.”¹ Mt. Baker is looming large in your face, and it attracts many. At 4 miles round trip and 1,000 ft gain, it’s not easy per se, but doable for most with some effort and I could venture to say it’s a top competitor for the largest bang for your buck view. Here are some previous trips up to AP, since I really didn’t get any today.

I didn’t even know WHY I was angry.

I had resigned to go when my spouse said, “Let’s go” but in all honesty, I wasn’t feeling it.

I’ve been taking it easy during this holiday season, and I even patted myself on the back for taking some down time, starting a puzzle which I haven’t done in ages, making and eating holiday treats (ok, that MAY be the cause of some of this anger- too much sugar), and doing projects that I perceive as fun- clearing out the spices cupboard and doing an overhaul of my personal cookbook collection of recipes. I told myself it’s ok and I even believed it. For the first time I am following the 13 Wishes Ritual which started on Solstice and “marks the sacred time between the years, a mystical pause when the veil between worlds is thin, and the ordinary and spiritual realms overlap. Each of the twelve nights is said to correspond with one of the twelve months of the coming year. A wish is released in a burning ritual on each of these twelve nights. The thirteenth wish is kept and represents the dream or intention that we are meant to nurture ourselves.”² I find out what that is on Jan. 2nd! I am a business owner, so this is a big deal to let go of responsibility especially with a never-ending list of “to do’s”- fun fact, I am even behind in consolidating my “to do” lists. The bottom line is that you don’t make any money if you don’t work it, you are the only one doing the work, there isn’t anyone standing over you telling you how to do it, and the compensation when starting out is pretty meager. For what I have made so far, much has been turned back into running the business. This may sound like a sad story, but in actuality I get joy and gratitude most of the time from knowing my purpose and getting to follow through with my visions and dreams. End of life work is a slow build, and in person networking has been the secret sauce. I have learned much, and I have a lot to learn. I have a supportive partner. An opportunity that in one part of my brain I don’t take lightly. For years I tried to “launch” and “failed,” or rather, it wasn’t the right timing and if that version of me could see me now, it would be in awe that this is actually realized, and I get to do this!

Last year I started an online community called “Youla” (where YOU become your own death DOULA”) and there was much to be done in December for a January roll out. When I look back at that time it was a bit much working day and long into the night. I was learning the backside of my website, how to start subscriptions among other things, and advertising for it. In not reading the fine print, I even paid what turned out to be a large sum of my fees to run subscription services for the year and among other costs found myself overdrawing my bank account. It was simultaneously an exciting time of starting Youla, but also very stressful and even though not one other person knew that I was in the red, I was embarrassed and felt down on myself, my lack of business acumen, and not paying attention. But the Youla members showed up, and my heart grew 10 sizes.

For the first time in many years, I enjoyed time off. It’s been the tradition of many businesses to take it easy, do less, and take more time off from Christmas to New Years; after all, does anything really get accomplished during this time? My friend called this period in time “wintering” and there’s a book of the same title. Today, a 180-degree turn. From contentment to dissatisfaction, from pleased with myself to frustrated, from unworried to fear, from fulfilled to restless, from anger to embarrassment.

It started when I was in line for the restroom and suddenly my dog bounded down to me then back to Ken then again down to me while Ken who was supposed to be holding on to him- Ken was putting on his snowshoes more than 30 ft away and apparently couldn’t hold onto a leash and put on his snowshoes at the same time. I got out of the line and spouted off to him that I had to leave the line because of the dog being out of control. He then said he would hold on to him and I said, “I’m going to hold it- it’s too late for you to help now.” The day devolved into many sputtering and sweary comments under my breath from minor stuff to things that were more important- people that didn’t pick up their dog shit (and it was too frozen for me to pick up), people not keeping their dogs in order such as letting them run into the ski lanes or letting them run 50-75ft ahead of them, my own dog misbehaving being overwhelmingly ecstatic to be playing in snow when he normally is wedged in between us under control, and having to put him back on leash all while trying to snowshoe and work poles and hold a leash that kept getting tangled, anytime I would bend over, my thermos would fly out of my backpack, and I was also upset that Ken was going too fast and I was out of breath and feeling bad about my overall hiking abilities. The feelings of inadequacy were exacerbated because I signed up for my first 100 mile on March 27th and the pressure is on. I knew I was being ridiculous, but the anger Band-Aid had been ripped off and there was no recovering from it. On the hardest hill push, Ken suddenly became dizzy, lightheaded, his vision was off- it wasn’t the first time this has happened, so it wasn’t super alarming. I won’t get into the details because that is his story to share or not, but he has had some health issues when hiking in the last several months and this time it also came with a bowel attack and him running down to a tree well for coverage. He spent some time there while I waited, and we made our way back down. Was I disappointed we did 1.5 miles instead of 4+? Sure. But there was also some relief. Not that he was ill, but that we were turning around. I realized part of my anger was that I hadn’t been asked if this is what I wanted to do today, and I was fighting wanting to go at all. I even waited until last minute this morning to pack. I thought how dumb it was that I was feeling that way- people would kill to be here today on this amazing landscape in our back yard! Any time I have been there before I have been SO HAPPY. I was the type of anger like a baby crying without knowing the reason. My nappy was dry, I was fed, I was not in pain, I had slept so I didn’t need a nap, and I had a huge playland of snow. I suppose I wanted a down day. My perceived last down day before the onslaught of responsibility surfaced on January 1. Instead of being lazy when we got home before noon, I threw my emotions into cooking; the veggie broth, salmon dip, dog wet food, massaged kale and cut veggies, spicy black beans from the dry bean, and lentil and mushroom shepherd’s pie didn’t know what hit ‘em. I’ve found cooking to be a way to process, to create, to feel back in control and alignment. And, it is typical for me to cook a lot in one day and then take a few or more days off. I wouldn’t spout it as meal planning, so much as spontaneous use of ingredients on hand and master skills at reviving almost dead veggies. I hate to waste food, so there’s nothing more motivating for me to both use the food I’ve bought and clean out the fridge in one fell swoop.

I am behind in personal emails. I am clearly behind in Substack so on my way to snowshoe this morning, I put that in my calendar to do this evening. I MUST finish the year with one more Substack. I MUST in some way resolve the previous post that had a Part 1- from MAY of this year. So for those who need a resolution to Part 1, let this be the Part 2 of Messy May. Messy December 31st. I almost changed the title to exclude the words “Part 1” and pretend it wasn’t ever intended to have a Part 2. But in all seriousness, I will in some future posts shed more light on the topics of depression and mental health as it’s important to be vulnerable and if it helps one person, then it’s worth it. Another layer of anger- this time showing up as guilt and embarrassment. Shame and embarrassment are emotions of anger often turned toward self, and these emotions are associated with the insula activity in the brain. “The insula is part of the frontoparietal control network, which is involved in goal implementation and attainment.”³ Interesting. Hmmm. That fits. Case closed.

The word that keeps surfacing for 2026 is Consistency. That is my wish in business, in taking care of my body, in training, in love, and yes, even in Substack writing. I am so grateful you are listening even though I haven’t been active much on here. I will write more about what has been occupying my time as there have been some exciting peaks of 2025. In summary, I’ve met some incredible people this year, started an online community teaching death education, decluttered and helped others to declutter, collaborated, planned and hosted a “Before I Die” Festival, traveled for nearly two weeks to Utah visiting 5 National Parks, hiked over 50K feet of elevation gain, foraged many berries, made many cookies and sold them at a farmers market to help cover fees for service for those who need sliding scale, dreamed and created, completed my first and likely last 100K ultra marathon, burst out in song in front of 30 colleagues and then again in front of 60 strangers, joined Threshold Choir where we sing to people on hospice (and to therapy horses!), became a board member of VSED Resources NW, started writing a book, have been reducing meat and now on a mostly plant based diet learning more creative ways of cooking and eating new things such as soy curls and seitan and after many failed attempts, making tofu taste good, continued in my role of family caregiver, volunteered, helped people get their Advance Care Planning taken care of and their wishes respected in end of life, and MORE. When I take that last (run-on) sentence in, it’s overwhelming. I may need to print it out and tape it to my desk for times when I hear doubts, insecurities and imposter syndrome rearing its ugly head.

And now, I am happy and relieved to be finishing this post especially since I had lost half of it at some point and through some miraculous event, recovered it! (There may have been more swearing, and I should probably work on that)

Ken is okay. He still needs to try to get some medical answers, but the illness subsided. And isn’t that what is most important? That could have ended very differently, and at the end of the day or end of the year, I hope we can all be grateful for life, love, health, and one more day.

“Time doesn’t hear if you ask it to wait. Life it can change, it can change in a day so cherish the years and just roll with the waves. I’d rather be here, ‘cause this breath could fade fast, and this day could be your last. Time doesn’t heal, so roll with the waves. ” - Imagine Dragons⁴

With all the love I can muster from 2025,

Beck

1. According to Wta.org. For more info: Artist Point Snowshoe Hike Details

2. 13 Wishes Ritual Explained

3. Insula- an overview

4. To listen to "Waves"